Retroactive Jealousy and Narcissism

I've worked with people that have had Retroactive Jealousy for many years and I don't believe it's fair to say that everyone that has Retroactive Jealousy is also a Narcissist. 

A few years ago I was part of a seminar where Caroline Strawson, an expert in Narcissistic Personality Disorder, was talking about how everyone has narcissistic traits, but that doesn't necessarily make you a narcissist.

Some of the traits might be feeling entitled, arrogant, lack of empathy, wanting to be admired a lot, and wanting external validation.

As an outsider, looking into the life of a Retroactive Jealousy sufferer you can see how they react when they're triggered, how they shame and blame their partner or start arguments. How they feel superior to their partner or they ask for reassurance a lot. These can be viewed as narcissistic traits and Retroactive Jealousy can exaggerate these traits. However, this does not necessarily make you a narcissist.

So if you are a Retroactive Jealousy sufferer wondering whether or not you are a narcissist, I would recommend paying attention to the sense of remorse (or lack thereof) when you are not triggered.

When you're triggered, you may shame and blame your partner, start arguments, feel entitled, and disrespectfully talk to them because they did certain things that you think devalued them in a way. This behaviour is not justifiable, but it is the behaviour you portray when you are triggered.

On the contrary, when you're not triggered, what do you do? Are you remorseful? Are you able to recognize that you hurt their feelings or do you have a sense of entitlement and are unapologetic? I believe this is how we can differentiate between someone that may be a narcissist vs someone that isn't.

Are you focusing on getting better? Are you remorseful? Are you able to recognize that your behaviour hurts your partner? Do you take responsibility for that or do you use RJ to justify your behaviour and make people feel bad about themselves? Do you refuse to acknowledge that you've hurt someone's feelings? 

I've worked with so many people that have had RJ and they are lovely. People that care about their family, care about their partner, care about their kids.

But these people can recognize that they are struggling. They're able to recognize that this is a behaviour they do not want for themselves, they don’t want it in their life, in their relationship, or around their kids, and want to change it.

To conclude, the way I recommend establishing whether or not you or your partner is a narcissist is by looking at the behaviour the RJ sufferer portrays when they're not triggered. Are they trying to get better, or are they using the RJ as an excuse to treat people in a bad manner and not take responsibility?