My partner’s past haunts me!

Why do I find my partner's past haunting?

This blog was inspired by a conversation we had with one of our clients early this week. 

She mentioned at some point “the past is just haunting to me”.

We also spoke about my experience with Retroactive Jealousy and how I overcame it. 

As we were analysing this it suddenly occurred to me: 

Retroactive Jealousy sufferer’s find the past so haunting because of what they are so desperately looking to find there. 

And I don’t mean details about what your partner did, what happened, how it happened etc. 

I am talking about what you are actually looking for.

For some, the past is where they try to determine their sense of self worth, by comparing themselves, wanting to prove they are good enough (by being better than the people in the past).

In this case, the Retroactive Jealousy sufferer will think to themselves “What if their experience was more special? Does this mean that nothing we have or do will measure up or be unique? Are they thinking of their past when we go to the same restaurant/city/country they went to with someone else?” 

Feeling like you need someone else's past to be a certain way, so you can feel good enough/special enough/unique enough is definitely a haunting experience. 

For other Retroactive Jealousy sufferers what they are looking for leans more towards trust, safety and the need to feel respected. 

Some may think to themselves “ What are people going to think or say if they find out about my partner's past? What was my partner thinking? Do they not respect themselves? If I am with someone that does not respect themselves, what does that say about me? If they did this in the past, how do I know I can trust them? I want to know I am safe 100% in this relationship and digging up their past is how I am going to make sure I will be”

Looking for trust, safety, and respect in someone else’s past is again, haunting. Because the answers are not there, they never will be. 

Where should you look instead?

The answer is simple. They are all within.

You don’t need to compare yourself to feel good enough, you need to look at why you don’t feel good enough/special enough/unique enough in the first place. 

You don’t need to look for trust and safety in their past, you need to realise why you don’t feel comfortable enough to trust yourself and that you will be okay, even if anything goes wrong. 

You don’t need to look for respect, you need to understand why you feel other people must view you in a certain light in order for you to feel worthy of respect. 

Once you begin realising these things, things will naturally start shifting from negative to positive.

Watch the video above for more details!