Retroactive Jealousy Feeling like the second choice.

One of the most common Retroactive Jealousy thoughts is…

“If my partner was left by their exes, then technically they are not choosing me.”

In other words, what this means is that because your partner was dumped or left by other people, they did not actually go out of their way to say,” I don’t want them. I WANT YOU!” They aren’t choosing YOU (the person they are with today).

This is the way a retroactive jealousy sufferer will think a lot of the time. They want to be the chosen one. They want to feel special. They want to feel like ‘THE ONE.’ They want to feel different.

These are all things that you can, and should, feel in your relationship but I personally, having struggled with retroactive jealousy, realised I had to shift this way of thinking within me first which was a crucial step to recovery.

If you have these thoughts: 

I'm the one that has to be chosen by someone. 

I'm the one that has to sit here and wait for my partner to choose me and to tell everyone else to get lost. 

I need to know my partner’s exe’s were horrible to prove they are less than me. 

I want my partner to choose me and to make me feel special.

Thinking this way as a retroactive jealousy sufferer is going to cause a lot of pain because things are a lot more complicated than that.

The truth is, they probably were not compatible with the people they were with before. That's why it didn't work out. 

The way I shifted this for myself, was by turning it around and saying to myself

Hang on. What about me? Who do I want to be with? 

I also get to choose a person that I want to be with. 

I also have the power to choose. Do I want to be with my partner? Why?

Their exes did not see them for who they really are; value them, and support them in the way they needed in order for their best self to shine. 

What about me? What do I want? Who do I want as a partner? What do they offer in this relationship?

How do they make me feel? I also have the power to choose, and I see value in this relationship.

That's is also reality and that is how I shifted it. 

Instead of sitting there and just being the victim:

“I need to be the one that's chosen. They need to tell everyone else to get lost so I can feel special.”

Ask yourself: What are your values in the relationship? Who are you as a partner? What do you bring to the table? What do you want? Do they meet your needs? 

If you love them, respect them, they meet your needs and you're great together, then who cares? 

If someone else didn't value them in the past? Who cares? 

If it didn't work out in the past, it wasn't meant to. That is good for both of you!

I hope this helps you! :)