What is Retroactive Jealousy? (And what it isn’t)

What is Retroactive Jealousy & What it is not.

Perhaps you are new to the term “Retroactive Jealousy” or maybe you have done some research and are still not sure if your symptoms match those of a Retroactive Jealousy sufferer. Either way, I hope this blog brings you some clarity.

As someone that suffered from this myself, it took me years to understand what it is and eventually overcome it.

Sadly, there are many people in the world today who have Retroactive Jealousy but do not know it. They feel alone and isolated, not being able to understand what exactly is going on in their mind.

So, what is Retroactive Jealousy?

Put simply, it is when your partner's past bothers you.

It is when get intrusive thoughts about your partner's past and/or mental movies. Perhaps it's their past relationships that bothers you, a specific relationship, a specific person in their past, their sexual history and/or one night stands.

You find yourself obsessing over these things and as a result, asking questions, starting arguments, stalking the ex on social media or shutting down altogether.

Maybe you are in forums or groups asking questions such as “Is it normal if my partner's done this in the past?” “what does it mean if they did this?”

Questioning the relationship altogether.

Some people feel anger and resentment, finding themselves judging their partner. Others feel sad and anxious and then shut down. There are some that experience both.

If these are emotions that are coming up for you when you think about your partner's past and it bothers you to the extent that it's getting in the way of your daily life, you are likely experiencing Retroactive Jealousy.

Maybe you're someone that goes months feeling fine and all of a sudden something triggers you and the thoughts come back.

As mentioned above, common compulsions can be starting an argument, asking your partner questions about the past, googling, stalking social media, and asking strangers for their opinion online. Getting lost in the need to want to figure the past out, rationalise it, and understand it.

Acting out these compulsions, like you probably may already know if you have Retroactive Jealousy, only brings temporary relief.

You will end up getting triggered and feeling the same over and over again. It's a vicious cycle.

What Retroactive Jealousy is not.

If your partner is still talking to their ex often, they have their stuff lying around that they refuse to get rid of. They are not making any compromises.They are not taking you seriously even though you voice your frustrations and do not wish to make your relationship a priority then this can cause Retroactive Jealousy but it is not your fault.

If your partner uses their ex as a form of control or to make you jealous on purpose you will need to ask them to stop doing it and should they continue to disregard the pain it is causing you it may be time to start looking at getting out of the relationship.

Of course, if they've got kids with their ex or work together this does not apply. Neither should you be telling them who to and who not to talk to.

But if they legitimately have no reason to be talking to their ex, they keep bringing them up daily. If they just don't make you feel like a priority in their life or make you feel safe and secure then Retroactive Jealousy is not just a “your problem” kind of thing.

To sum it up, most of the time Retroactive Jealousy has everything to do with the sufferer and not the partner but there are exceptions when it comes to the partner's actions in some cases.