Overcoming Retroactive Jealousy WITHOUT accepting their past?

A lot of people who suffer from Retroactive Jealousy and Relationship Anxiety have this inner conflict going on. 

“I want to be with my partner (when I am not triggered) but I don’t want to accept or agree with their past."

 “If I overcome Retroactive Jealousy I am not staying true to myself and my values”

I understand this way of thinking and admittedly, I was once there too. 

After overcoming Retroactive Jealousy myself and helping people in their transformation, there are some important things that I noticed and I want to share them with you. 

I have mentioned several times that overcoming Retroactive Jealousy means feeling indifferent towards your partner's past. 

And by being indifferent I mean you neither love their past nor hate their past. 

I want to elaborate on this as a lot of your comments to me on social media are valid concerning this way of thinking. 

You don’t have to agree with or accept your partner’s past to become indifferent.

It is essentially recognising they made choices that you don’t agree with but they are not that person anymore and it has nothing to do with your relationship today. 

Now, there are several reasons why people resist this way of thinking, and today I will be mentioning three of the main ones. 

1) You are a perfectionist

You are hard on yourself and therefore project this onto your partner and can’t help but judge them for what they did, even though on some level you may know it is not your place to do this and are not proud of this behaviour. 

2) You are afraid of what people might think if they found out. 

You grew up in an environment where everything was very black and white (religious or not) and you have your sense of worth and value tied up in how others view you. This also leads to using your partner as someone to make you look good (like an accessory) when that is not their job in the relationship. Yes, you should feel proud and happy you are with them, but not to the extent where you stress about what others would think if they knew what they did. 

3) You believe that you have to be “compatible”. 

You believe that you are totally different people with values and beliefs that do not match. Although this is possible, be aware that when you are trying to establish whether or not you have the same values and beliefs, you are looking at the human being they are today. What are their values and beliefs today? Do they match yours? Do you have the same goals, dreams and vision for the future? If not, then maybe they are not the right fit for you. However, be careful not to compare your values and beliefs today with the ones your partner had years ago. 

All in all, I believe that Retroactive Jealousy and Relationship Anxiety can lead to a lot of self-discovery. 

The main reason I recommend working on Retroactive Jealousy is that whatever it is you choose to do in the relationship (stay or leave) it is from a place of clarity and peace instead of anxiety and doubt. 

If you are obsessing, shaming, blaming, and shutting down over your partner's past there is clearly something that you need to work on. 

Once you start to dig deeper and heal whatever it is causing this you will then be able to make a considered choice. 

However this time, it won’t be a choice made out of fear, doubts and insecurity but rather a calm and healed version of yourself.